You'll Laugh. You'll Cry. You'll Cook!

According to Sven, this story is ‘My Stairway to Heaven’

Vintage Vinyl Book Signing

THE DAY THAT MY LIFE SPAN WAS SHORTENED

                     BY AT LEAST TEN YEARS

 

 

My daughter Madison is quite high strung, anxious, naïve, goofy, and is pretty damn cute (spoken from a very bias Mom, of course). I’ve always said, “The reason why God gave me children so late in life is that by the time my kids are 16 years old…I’ll be dead!” 

This little story of mine will accentuate that fact. 

 

At the public school that the girls go to; they have a very basic “Life Skills” class in the 4th and 5th grades explaining the very basic facts of life.  Well, I had been asking Madison every day after school if she wanted to talk about anything, if she had any questions about anything at all…hoping and praying that she would say “No”.  She did probably have questions for me; but I just thought she was just too embarrassed to ask, and being the weasel Mother that I am, I just took the “No Thanks” as a “THANK YOU, GOD!”

 

A few months had passed.  It was an absolutely gorgeous Saturday afternoon.   Do you ever ask yourselves why these life altering occurrences always happen on the weekends? 

 

Both of the girls were sitting in the back seat of my car, safely seat belted and very content listening to Raffi on the CD player as we were driving home from somewhere.  Could it have been swimming class, Hebrew School, Girl Scouts, Soccer, pottery class, Kumon, volleyball, field hockey, underwater basket weaving, ( …who the heck knows, they all run into each other, don’t they?),   When right out of the blue, Maddie said “Mommy”….and I of course had the brilliant comeback of “Yes Madison, what is it?” and she said with a huge sigh, “WELL….I just want you to know, that I KNOW THAT IT’S JUST NOT GOD WHO IS MAKING THOSE BABIES?!?” (do the snap & wink thing)

 

She started a few weeks prior with this goofy little “snap and wink” thing.

 

Morgan looked at her strangely, just like she always does to her older sister and said “Mommy, what IS she talking about?” and I quickly said, “I don’t know, Honey.  But Morgan, when we get home, why don’t you go over to the Wilson’s house to play with Michael and David; and Madison, why don’t you come into our bedroom so that you and I can talk.” (I was thinking…”Oh no, I guess it’s time for THAT talk!”). 

 

When we got home; Morgan skipped down the street oblivious to the fact that her Mom was ready to finally have “the talk” with her older sister and then proceed to “not pass go or collect $200 dollars” but to have a nervous breakdown…or better yet, just insert an I.V. of tequila into the arm.  

 

Maddie skipped into the room with a smirky Cheshire Cat grin and jumped onto the bed.   I said, “OK honey, why don’t you tell me exactly what you were talking about in the car.”  Well, she looked at me with such excitement in her eyes…..

as if she knew something that the whole, entire world was just waiting to hear.  And she said, “Oh Mommy, I know now!!!!”.   And I said, “OK Honey, tell your Mom exactly what you “know”. 

 

And she said, “WELL…..I know that the Mommy has the egg and the Daddy has the sperm; and when they kiss they can make a baby!!!!”  She was so excited that she had this exciting news flash.  It was kind of like, “Quick, let’s call CNN and tell Wolff Blitzer right away”!

 

I didn’t want to break her heart; and I did absolutely LOVE the fact that she prefaced her little “findings” with the “Mommy” and “Daddy” part; (I wanted to give her that little snap and wink thing right back at her for that one…)

 

But, I just looked at her and in my kindest, most loving motherly way possible, I said

“Oh Maddie, you can’t get pregnant by just kissing a boy”

 

She looked at me puzzled, thought a while and said…“Well then, where does the man’s sperm come from?”  I said, 

“Honey, the sperm comes from a man’s penis.”  She then looked at me, and turned white as a ghost (and trust me, this is a pretty pale kid to start with) and said,

“OH MOMMY….PLEASE DON’T TELL ME…”

 

“Tell you what Madison?” I replied. 

She screamed,

 

“OH MOMMY, PLEASE DON’T TELL ME THAT I’M GOING TO HAVE TO KISS A PENIS?”

 

I think I may have screamed loud enough that people in Peoria could have heard me…and said:

 “NOOOOOOooooooooo, absolutely NOT!”

 

And then I added very, very very very VERY softly under my breath,  

              “Only….if you want jewelry”

 

 

 

Laura’s appearance on KMOV’s Great Day St. Louis

Posted by on Jan 12, 2015 in Appearances | 0 comments

Appearance from February 12, 2014 Great Day St. Louis Food for the Soul We’re introducing you to Laura Roodman Edwards Ray, a local mom who shares her stories and recipes in the book, “Brain Dead in the Burbs and Cooking Your Way Back to Sanity.” Read more:...

read more

Laura Ray – “Don’t You Just Hate When that Happens!”

Posted by on Jan 12, 2015 in Appearances | 0 comments

Published on Sep 29, 2014 Laura Ray performs Live at The kranzberg Arts Center in Saint Louis, MO.

read more

Laura Ray – “Doesn’t Everybody Make-Up Uterus-Driven Diseases?”

Posted by on Jan 12, 2015 in Appearances | 0 comments

Published on Sep 29, 2014 Laura ray performing Live at The Kranzberg Arts Center in Saint Louis, MO.

read more

Laura Ray – “Stairway to Heaven”

Posted by on Jan 12, 2015 in Appearances | 0 comments

Published on Sep 28, 2014 Laura Ray performs Live at the Kranzberg Arts Center in Saint Louis, MO. This is a hilarious bit involving her daughter and the birds and the bees story.

read more

Laura Ray – “A Classic Jerome Roodman’s Joke”

Posted by on Jan 12, 2015 in Appearances | 0 comments

Published on Sep 29, 2014 Laura Ray performs Live at The Kranzberg Arts Center. Her last bit of the night was a hilarious joke passed down by her father.

read more